Saying sorry

In my work life, I sometimes spend time coaching people on how to accept responsibility for the negative consequences of their actions, even if those consequences are unintended.  A person might say and do things that come out of neutral or even positive intentions, but those words and actions might still have a very hurtful impact on the other person.  This happens to all of us.  And we need to accept that even the best of intentions can still sometimes hurt.  It happens to high level executives.  It happens to front-line workers.  It happens in families.  And it happens to my children. 

Today, I struggled with how to transpose my coaching spiel into a key that my 6 year old might grasp.  I have to say, I have better luck engaging with a client, helping them understand why it is important to meaningfully show the other person that they understand and regret their actions.  I feel like I failed miserably explaining this to my son.

That's because it's probably less about the explanation and more about the simple fact that it's just plain hard to do.  Even for grown-ups.  The initial I-didn't-do-anything denial shape-shifts into the but-he-started-it justification and finally into the but-I-wasn't-thinking-when-I-said-that face-saving posture.  These aren't just the plaintiff cries of a 6 year old.  It's hard to own my part when I feel so wronged by another person.

And yet, learning how to say sorry is so important.  And I say learning because I believe that apologizing is actually a skill.  It is something that we need to learn to do.  And do we ever.  I know that I have been the recipient (and deliverer!) of more than a few lousy apologies in my lifetime.  You know the type, the I'm-sorry-but kind.

This is why I am one of those mothers who insists that her children make the effort to authentically apologize when they have hurt another person.  A former coworker and friend once shared with me her approach to teaching kids about meaningful apologies - three simple steps:

Feeling sorry. 
Saying sorry. 
Showing your sorry.

A fantastic guide for kids and grown-ups alike.  If only it were that easy.