Decisions

It dawned on me the other day that something I thought I had decided a long time ago was not, in fact, a decision.  It was more like a wish.  And these things are not the same.

The thing that I thought I had decided was about the amount of time and energy that I was going to give to my work.  And the amount of time and energy that I was going to give to my family and other areas of my non-work life.  I thought I had made intentional decisions about the focus of my attentions.

What has become clear is that a decision to do certain things (or not do them, as the case may be) is useless if you do nothing else but decide that it is (or isn't) so.  I'm not sure when it struck me, this difference between a decision and a wish.  And the fact that I have the control to shift from wishing something to making it happen.  Totally obvious, I know, but sometimes I can be a little thick.

So, I've made new decisions.  Real decisions this time.  Practical decisions.  Ones that aren't just wishes.  They may not be big, but they're small.

I don't take work calls after 3:30 pm anymore.  Or on weekends.  I don't even check emails or voice-mail (OK, very rarely).  At the end of the day I shut down my computer, turn the heat off in my office and I don't go in there until my next workday.

The wishful yearning to not be bugged by work (and co-workers) outside of my workday for years has felt just that.  Wishful yearning.  But that's changing.  And with it (or more likely as a necessary precursor to it) so is my self-identity.

And I feel the joy.  Because when I'm reading a story with my son, I am focusing on snuggling under the blanket with him, sharing the genuine moment of closeness, knowing that he is quickly growing up.  Work can wait.  And it will.